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The Coffee Pod Penis

Anyone who reads my entire back collection of articles will know that I am an avid inventor. Since the 1970’s, I have been coming up with new designs and raising funds by schmoozing various celebrities such as Sir Russell Crowe and Bruce Willis.

One of my more recent inventions came about on a wintery day in 2015.

My wife and I had been having a serious discussion about conceiving a child, and I was having a serious mental discussion with myself about why I couldn’t get an erection.

Any man who has had impotence will tell you that it starts as a physical issue, and the more you shout at it, the more it becomes a mental issue. You begin to believe you are impotent.

Like Descartes said, I think I am impotent, therefore I am impotent.

If ever a human needed proof that ‘The Secret’ was real, impotence is it.

My wife left the room, and I was left chatting to myself about Ashwagandha and testosterone and kegel exercises.

The entrepreneur’s code is to take a problem and turn it into a product.

I had tried Viagra on numerous occasions. It gave me a red face like one of those snow monkeys from Japan, as well as a supremely blocked nose.

My wife said it was like making love to a demon from the underworld.

There are times and places for fantasies like that, but it’s not the kind of conception story you want to tell your child.

Darling, you were conceived when your Father was dressed as a demon from the underworld, and I was Princess Leia.

You do have to tell children how they are conceived, right?

I needed to invent something more practical.

I popped another coffee capsule in the machine, placed my cup under and pressed the button.

FRRRRRRRPPPPP…..the machine said.

‘What did you just say?’ I asked it.


That’s it.

I immediately ran down to my basement, leaving the coffee behind and started drawing blueprints for the ‘Coffee Pod Penis’.

I went out to the local ‘erotic’ shop and bought myself a strap on dildo.

The woman in the shop asked me what I would be using it for.

‘I’m not a pervert’, I said. ‘I’m an inventor’.

‘Okay,’ she said.

Obviously, she didn’t believe me because she lectured me about how using a strap on dildo didn’t make me a pervert. She kept insisting that I wanted someone to use it on me so I explained my plan after which she called security and had me thrown out of the shop.

I took it home and built a chute into it, just like the one on the coffee machine.

I created the perfect sized capsule and filled it with low-fat mayonnaise for demonstration purposes.

Next, I got a jar from the fridge and packed it with slices of ham until it resembled a lifelike model of a vagina. Although I have never studied fine arts, I always felt I would have been quite good at that type of thing.

I yelled at my wife to come downstairs.

I took off my white coat, strapped on the rubber penis and made a stance like a UFC fighter with my jar of ham in one hand and the mayonnaise capsule in the other.

‘What the fuck Frank?’ were her only words.

‘Watch this’, I said.

I proceeded to fuck the jar of ham with the dong, thrusting my hips and hunching my shoulders while making a De-Niro face.

‘Is this supposed to be turning me on?’ she asked, shaking her head.

‘Is it working?’ I asked back.

I was starting to get turned on by her watching me — an unexpected bonus.

‘But, no’, I said. ‘Watch this’

I took the capsule of mayonnaise and packed it into the top of the dildo like I was loading R2D2 into an X-Wing fighter. Then I pumped harder.

Bits of ham began flying out of the jar.

My wife had her hands over her mouth in sheer disbelief at what she was witnessing.

‘Smithers, release the hounds’, I yelled.

A big grin came over my face as I pressed the button on the side of my plastic penis.


‘What the hell was that?’ she asked.

FRRRRPPPPPPPPP it went again.

Then it made a noise like a child’s balloon popping,


and low-fat mayonnaise coated the inside of the jar and the front of my pants.

I looked up for her approval. She had opened the lid of the washing machine and was throwing up in there.

Are you okay? I asked her.

She left the room and didn’t speak to me for two weeks.

When she spoke again, she said it was one of the most genuinely horrific things she had ever seen, and she considered divorcing me for a while. Then she made me promise to burn the thing and never speak of it again.

I considered taking the product on Dragon’s Den, but I didn’t think they would have me back after I shit myself on set last time.

I put the coffee pod penis in a drawer and eventually threw it out.

Later, my wife admitted that she thought it would make a lot of money if we turned it into an adult film.

Any film-makers interested contact me at franktbird@franktbirdprotonmail-com

Image: Wiki

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